Dad update and dream

I am in Seattle.

I have been here for a week now; My father weighs 80 pounds and is very close to death. I am spending as much time with him as I can. The hospice nurse was by yesterday and they are starting morphine for him today. He's so uncomfortable, and it would be a blessing for him. He literally is not eating or drinking. He's picking at the comforter and so many other signs that it will be very soon.

Last weekend while my brother and sister in law where there with him, he says real loudly, "I don't think I can do this anymore! I just can't so this anymore!" and he had told me earlier that "something" was going to happen in two days. When I asked him, "is something going to happen in two days, Dad?" he said "I sure hope so." Sounds like he wants to go, and I cannot blame him. This is a difficult time for all of us, but more so for him I think. I don't want my Dad to die, of course but he seems so miserable. He would be free of the pain and the fog that Altzheimer's tortures him with.

I dreamed last night that I had a little truck, and I was going for a ride. The road went up a little hill and curved gently off to the left, and there was a turn off to the right along a clif face and a shoreline road. I said, "I think I'll go this way" and turned off to the right. the road ran along a shoreline and eventually just went along the shore, past people sitting on the beach in the sand.

I had the feeling me driving along there was a little unusual, but some had done it before so it was okay. I continued on to a little clearing where I could pull the truck into. There was a little river off to the right, but hidden by green plants and low branches...it was really gorgeous in this place. On the other sidee of the truck, there was a forest, but it bordered the clearing. This whole area was surrounded by trees and woods, like a little cathedral in the woods.

I heard somone say, "It's a bear!" and I looked to see a white bear..No, NOT a polar bear...a white bear. I felt afraid and got in the truck and closed the door. I had left the drivers side window open about halfway, and bear poked his head in, snuffling, just checking me out...! He was NOT trying to hurt me. I was so afraid, all I did was say "AAAAAAGHHHH!!" trying to scare bear off, not thinking that maybe he just MIGHT have a message for me, dammit. I mean think about it...White Bear?? Poking his head in...I wish I had not been so reactive.

Sounds like it's time to seek the solace of the woods.

I sure miss my Dad.

I gotta go.