Dad update #2

They re-evaluated Dad last week, needing to check/adjust his meds so he wasn't so agitated. He's been very agitated. We want him to be comfortable and as happy as possible; Have his pain issues addressed. He was admitted to a very good Geriatric/psyche ward at a good hospital not far from where he was, and I got the word from my brother.

Dad can't go back to where he has been staying. He's too far gone. Sigh.

His Doctor says "He's approaching baseline very quickly." Yeah, don't need to be a brain surgeon to figure that one out. He's strapped into his wheelchair, and is back to being totally non-ambulatory. He's incontinent. Crying out for his Mama. He had been somewhat non-compliant but they figured out that he doesn't need his meds adjusted, but that he needs structure. He's much more co-operative and calmer with being told what to do, and having that constant structure. That's a big part of him being calmer. I sure hope his pain issues are being addressed. My brother said he still knows him sometimes so that's good, I guess. That's difficult-is it better for him to be aware of what's going on, or is it better, kinder for him to be unaware? Is he in less pain that way? Does he see weird things, or does he see Mom? Is he scared? Does he long to be free of his painful old body?

It's very difficult at best to be objective. On one hand, here is my Dad-he raised me and my brother, after my Mom died, by himself-my brother was pretty good, but I was the difficult one...boy was I ever. He single-handedly raised us, and instilled within us the things we needed to be okay in this world, and that's pretty incredible. It was only after High School (and some years beyond that, I must be honest about that) that I calmed down and learned that my Dad was telling me the truth all those years about things (LOL!) He did an amazing job with us completely against the odds. He is my Hero. He always will be. I love my Dad.

On the other hand, I see someone I love suffering. Half-in and half-out of this life. Confused, frightened. Unable to hold up his head, having trouble swallowing. Not wanting to eat. Reaching for things that aren't there, and talking to people that may, or may not be standing there talking with him-I just can't see them. This is a man that used to walk for miles beside rivers, teaching me about the trees, the river, how to read the water; where all the best fishing holes were. How to camp. The wonders and marvels of Nature. More than that, he taught me not to limit myself-meaning that I could do anything I truly wanted to. That I was strong, that I was more than the sum of all my parts. That all of Nature was precious, and not to ever waste it or use it unwisely...and so very many more things. But Dad is suffering. I don't want him to suffer. Alzheimer's/Dementia is horrible. It's awful to see someone being slowly eaten up by it.

So they are going to find him an adult group home for people who are suffering with Alzheimer's/Dementia and put him there. He's not going to take too well to being shifted around again; but they can't have him go back to where he was. He needs to be somewhat ambulatory there, and it doesn't have the structure he needs to be calm.

This next trip up, I get the feeling nagging me that I need to tell him that my brother and I will be fine. And, that's it's okay for him to go.

How do I do that without crying buckets?